Pirates To the Very Last Drop
by Maien
Summary: Nadia is my character and she gets to have tons of fun with Captain Jack Sparrow! Things could get messy...
1. Fat Men Like to Jostle

Disclaimer: I own Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Turner! I keep them tied to my bed in handcuffs! Just kidding. I had my fingers crossed.  
  
A/N: So I was hit by my beautiful muse named Johnny Depp and decided that I needed to write something! Quickly! LIKE RIGHT NOW! So here goes:  
  
(Announcer comes up: "CHAPTERRRRRRRRR ONEEEEEEEEE!") ________________________________________________________________________  
  
Hurried people normally don't notice anything much. They blunder around in tiny circles, sometimes even with their mouths wide open so they look like they're constantly shocked. (Y'know: "Oh goodness! A tree!" )  
  
But she was different. Naida lowered her hat and tightened her belt, gritting her teeth as a particularly fat man jostled her elbow. Fat men generally like to jostle.  
  
"Hello, milady. Going somewhere?" the man hissed into her ear as she passed by.  
  
"Get lost, yer big lump of camel piss," Naida growled back. She fleetingly glanced at the man (still jostling) as she ran away, a smirk playing across her lips. Her hair, frazzled and greatly abused, was flung out in a thick black braid as she turned a corner onto a less busy street.  
  
Fingering the blade tucked against her waist, Naida rapped a door sharply.  
  
Usually, when you hear the door knock, you open it.  
  
This door must be stupid, Naida thought to herself. "Open the hell up!"  
  
The stupid door obliged, and slowly a chink of darkness split the charming house. Naida caught a glimpse of an eye before the door began to swing shut again.  
  
"Hey!" she yelled, putting out a hand to keep the door from slamming in her face.  
  
But it slammed in her face anyway. Rubbing her nose and mumbling about stupid eyes and stupid doors and stupid slamming and stupid moose (well, the moose had nothing to do with the situation. It just felt like the opportune moment to mention a moose), Naida scrambled up a tree and grabbed onto the thatch roof of the house.  
  
"Damnation," she grunted as she accidentally slipped. She was now hanging by one hand, her face pressed against a window. Most uncomfortable. Good thing she wasn't PMSing yet.  
  
But luck was on her side, it seemed, for through the window Naida saw what was unmistakably Captain Jack Sparrow's hat. Stupid thing was almost falling apart.  
  
"Oh, Jack, I'll get you," she muttered under her breath. She tried to work up momentum to crash through the window, but apparently this wasn't working. Naida looked like she was trying to hump the air, twisting around and about.  
  
In the end, everybody ends up humping air.  
  
"Naida!" a voice, smooth and rolling and slightly slurred, came from below.  
  
Naida lowered her gaze, still hanging by a hand. Damn.  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow, dressed in all his rugged glory, was standing beneath her, arms spread wide apart and gold devilishly glinting in his mouth. Naida half wanted to see him dangle by his neck, and yet half wanted him to dance around with a hat made of cheese on his head. Either way, it would make very amusing entertainment.  
  
Naida grinned, and let her hand go. In a moment, she was jumping down on top of the captain, who stumbled and fell. Naida twisted around so that she was sitting on top of Jack's chest.  
  
"Gotcha," she laughed.  
  
Jack's slow slink, a smile of pure rum and freedom, riddled his face. "Glad to see ye, Naida. Was starting to think you'd abandon poor Jack."  
  
"Bastard," Naida growled, but she couldn't suppress the smile.  
  
A/N: Sooo.whatcha think? Please review, as your comments make me feel warm and toasty inside. Savvy? 


	2. In The House of a Watermelon Whore

Disclaimer: With the following mandatory statements, I, Maien, pronounce that I do not claim to hold or possess any kind of claim over the characters and/or situations that are copyrighted to the Disney Company and the Pirates of the Caribbean name. Ah, what the hell. Just don't frickin' sue me.  
  
A/N: Fun Fun Fun!  
  
(Turtle comes up: "CHAPTERRRRRRRRRRRR TWOOOOOOO!") ________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Bastard," Naida growled, but couldn't suppress the smile.  
  
The pirate underneath her squirmed, and she carefully stepped off of him. Because it was beginning to look weird, riding the Captain.  
  
"No need for crude language, love, I know yer angry at me," Jack replied, brushing off his shirt with lithe fingers. He smiled painfully and rubbed his chest. "You're getting heavy. How much do ye weigh now? 200? 300?"  
  
Naida reached out and pulled the captain in by his swinging goatee. "Ye owe me a lot of money, Captain Jack Sparrow, and I intend ter get it from ye one way or 'nother."  
  
Jack grinned sheepishly and pulled his face away, bending over to gather up something that had fallen. Rum, of course. What else? Pigeon jerky? He fondly fit the bottle to his palm and took a swig, walking a bit towards the house.  
  
"Where are ye going?" Naida inquired, exasperated and slightly dazed. She kept an eye on him partly in case he did something sneaky, and partly in case his pants flew off him.  
  
Flying pants are second only to flying corsets.  
  
Jack only sauntered over to the door and rapped on it with his rum bottle, drinking a bit as it swung open. "Caroline!" he greeted as a blonde woman smiled coyly. She had breasts the size of watermelons. And had weird stripes like melons too. Tan lines.  
  
Naida rolled her eyes. Another whore. There were whores everywhere; whores in the taverns, whores in the streets, and whores on top of other whores.  
  
"Oh, Jack," she giggled as the captain pried his way into the house. "There was an ugly woman trying to come in."  
  
"Ugly woman?" Naida shrieked, jumping up and managing to slip into the house before the whore shut the door. "Who ye be calling ugly when yer own head looks to be drowning in the crack of yer ass?"  
  
Caroline looked disgustingly insulted. She turned to Jack, hanging onto his arm. "Darling, make that nasty girl go away."  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow only leaned back to survey the two women through squinted eyes, his tan features working with an insane smile. Drunk devil, Naida complained to herself. Probably too drunk to tell if Caroline was a man.  
  
Naida held onto her hat and jumped up the stairs, being careful to pinch Caroline as she went by. She wandered the dank hallways, brushing by some cheap vases and reaching out to steal some golden trinkets. Everyday is Christmas when you're a pirate.  
  
"And today I'm gonna get Santa Claus," she muttered as she brushed by a cobweb and entered a musty room. Several of Jack's "effects" were thrown in a heap. "Sick, Jack, Sick," groaned Naida as she spied his undergarments. Hesitating a bit, she bent and stuffed those into her pocket. A souvenir, that's all, she told herself.  
  
"What are ye doin', love?" Jack slurred from behind her. Naida spun around to see the captain leaning listlessly on the doorframe. "Why is one so pretty as yerself stealing something as dirty as me underwear?"  
  
"Because ye obviously don't wear it," hissed Naida. Grinning, she went to grab Jack's hat and smiled when she saw his expression change to anxiety.  
  
"Now put tha' back," he implored, striding forward.  
  
Naida tightened her grip on the bit of ragged leather. "You call this a hat?" she teased, holding it up. "My grandmother wears corsets better than this." Then, in one sweeping motion, Naida tore the hat in two. If hats could scream, this one would have been squealing.  
  
Jack yelled and pulled out his pistol, pointing it at Naida. She only laughed, throwing the two halves of the hat away. Slowly she went forward until she was close enough to place her mouth over the pistol.  
  
"I will shoot ye," Captain Jack Sparrow slurred, trying to focus on Naida's wobbling figure, "Make no mistake 'bout tha'"  
  
For a second Naida considered running but decided that was stupid, because the only way she could run was into a wall. Running into walls is fun, but only when you don't have a bullet after you.  
  
So Naida did what every damsel in distress does. She kicked Jack where it hurt.  
  
And then kicked again, because she needed the exercise.  
  
A/N: Ah, well, that's the second chapter. Please REVIEW and tell me how to improve, okay? And yes, I will work on putting Will into the next chapter. ^^ Bye now! 


	3. Naida does not WOO people

Disclaimer: *Sigh* This is getting uber-repetitive. I don't own anything, dammit. Why can't you people just leave me alone?!  
  
A/N: Well, since I've ended my other story (much love to the ones who reviewed!), I now have more time to work on this little dude right here! Teehee.  
  
(Harry Potter comes up: "CHAPTERRRRRRR THREEEEEEE!") ________________________________________________________________________  
  
So Naida did what every damsel in distress does. She kicked Jack where it hurt.  
  
And then kicked again, because she needed the exercise.  
  
Jack's eyes widened, his mouth twitching convulsively as he went down, still pointing his gun. "Thanks," he groaned, staggering up to the door. "I needed tha'"  
  
Naida swept a hasty curtsey, her black braid swinging over her shoulder. "Me pleasure, Captain. Mebbe now you'll be-aaah-seasoned fer negotiatin'"  
  
The pirate nodded urgently, turning away from the girl in case she got any more clever ideas. She'd be tweaking nipples next.  
  
Naida followed him as she staggered around, testing out his legs. "So you'll be bringing me on yer next raid, aye? I get half of the plunder."  
  
Jack stopped abruptly, propping himself up against the wall. He snuck furtive glances toward the stairs, where Caroline, getting bored, was counting the number of steps and was unsuccessfully trying to remember the number that came after 5.  
  
"I know it's not 7, that's the number of testicles my last customer had," she was whispering to herself, twisting a blonde curl in her hand.  
  
"Half?" the captain laughed, straightening a bit. "Tha's uncalled for, love. What will I be givin' the crew?"  
  
Naida eyed the gun still in his hand and decided not to push it. Stepping forward to look at Jack from another angle (from there she could see a bit of his tattoo), she said, "How 'bout ye give yer men Caroline?"  
  
Jack grinned, his beads flapping around his face. "Caroline?"  
  
"You heard me," Naida hissed, getting supremely annoyed.  
  
"Done!" he agreed, clapping his hands and hopping forward toward the stairs. "Tha' all good and done, then, jolly good."  
  
"Wait!" started Naida, seeing Jack starting to run. "Ye haven't told me-Damnation and Banana Hell!"  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow, running awkwardly with legs spread apart, was half- sprinting, half-swaggering down the stairs. He pecked Caroline once on the cheek (she blushed and remembered that the number after 5 was 2) before bolting through the door.  
  
Jack turned, smiled and yelled, "I can't help it, love! I'm an optimist!" before he was gone, his practiced curve of arms swinging drunkenly. Naida stumbled down fast enough to see him disappear down the street through the crowds.  
  
Panting slightly, Naida groaned and started to step out the door.  
  
"You're new at this, aren't you, darling?" cooed Caroline, obviously forgetting that she thought Naida was unlikable. She came forward, holding out her hand. "Poor baby."  
  
"What are ye talkin' about?" growled Naida, recoiling from Caroline's outstretched hand adorned with various jewels.  
  
Caroline giggled. "Wooing."  
  
Naida's eyebrows jumped, and her cheeks flushed, but she managed a croaky, "I'm not wooing Captain Jack Sparrow. He's all yers."  
  
Pursing her lips incredulously, Caroline shrugged and spun around extravagantly, her full skirts blooming as she whirled around. Naida hung on for a second.  
  
"Do ye happen to know where Jack will be goin'?" she asked.  
  
Caroline laughed. "To his best friend's of course. Will Turner." The whore turned around, looking Naida up and down. "I'm sorry to say, baby, that Will's already married."  
  
"I don' go around wooing people!" huffed Naida. "Just take me ter this Will Turner character."  
  
"That's fine," sniffed Caroline. "Just follow me."  
  
* * *  
  
It wasn't until that torturing walk that Naida realized how big Caroline's rear end really was. It stuck out through her petticoat, a wobbling contraption that repulsed Naida to no end. Finally, she took off her hat and let it hang on the protruding rump of the whore, though all that did was draw attention from several unsavory characters. Stray dogs, however, found this fascinating and sniffed hopefully at it for several minutes before they realized that the bum they were following would not sprout sausages and ham.  
  
"Are we getting' nearer?" yelled Naida, unable to bear the random jingle of Caroline's butt any longer.  
  
"Yes, darling, we're here," replied Caroline in a happy voice, sprinting up some steps to the door of a grand white house. She puffed her hair a few times before knocking daintily on the door. "Stay in the bushes, girl, you'll scare him away."  
  
Naida started to produce a string of curses, but bit her tongue when the slightly curious, slightly dangerous eyes of a man silenced her.  
  
"Hello," he said, nodding at the two women. He searched them uncomfortably until he recognized the whore. "Caroline?"  
  
The whore was delighted. "Willy-Nilly! You remembered my name!" She flung herself towards Will, flattening her melon-breasts to the astonished man. He stumbled backward while Caroline clung to his chest with arms and legs, so that Will looked like he was 900 months pregnant. (But very beautifully so).  
  
"Er," Naida stepped forward and attempted to pry the trembling mass of Caroline from Will, who still couldn't say anything. "Sorry fer intruding, Mr. Turner, but-aah!"  
  
Caroline was now trying to stick Will's hand down her bosom, while he glanced anxiously into the next room.  
  
"Caroline," he gritted his teeth, "you have to contain yourself!"  
  
"Will?" a voice emanated from the other room. "Who is it?"  
  
"A visitor," grunted Will, prying his hand away.  
  
A women stepped into the room, raising a questioning eyebrow at the display of Caroline massaging Will's neck and Naida, awkwardly tugging at Caroline's waist. "Friends of yours, Will?" she asked sarcastically.  
  
"Elizabeth," Will laughed weakly, finally pulling away from Caroline's grubby fingers. "They wanted to-Well, I don't-Why are you here?" He pointed the last question at Naida.  
  
"I be looking fer a certain Captain Jack Sparrow," Naida answered, looking around cautiously, in case he was hiding in a box somewhere, waiting to jump out and start doing the can-can. Jack-in-a-box! A silly grin spread across her face as she pictured it.  
  
"What's so funny?" asked Elizabeth.  
  
"Oh, nothing," blushed Naida. "Do ye know where he may be?"  
  
"Does he owe you money?" asked Will in a tired voice. He needed to get to a restroom, and he was tired of crazy people always popping up out of toilets and pantries and asking for Jack. Pop! Where's Jack? Pop! Where's Jack? Pop! He'd had enough of it. Nobody ever popped up to bless the newlyweds. Will pouted, something he enjoyed because it made him look sexy.  
  
Elizabeth shook her head. "We can pay for it, whatever it is. Did he steal your necklace? Your ring? How much does he owe you?"  
  
Naida shrugged. "A king's ransom, milady. Unless you can pay fer the abduction and damage o' six of me best ships. Plus 'e ransacked me brother's house, but I'll let tha' go."  
  
Will started, dropping his pout. "Six ships?"  
  
Naida scowled. "He had an armadillo."  
  
Elizabeth looked confusedly at Will. "Jack stole six ships with an armadillo?"  
  
Will shrugged. "He's an optimist."  
  
A/N: That's a pretty long chapter, right? Anyway, I have added Will, just like I promised! I want YOU-(points at people like Uncle Sam)-to leave a review! 


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